But I will, because I want my body back!
Let’s get straight to the point: I don’t want to be fat.
One of the hardest things for me to deal with in perimenopause has been the weight gain.
And yes, I realize it’s a controversial statement. Modern feminism teaches us that all bodies are beautiful and that I should love mine just the way it is. By saying out loud that I would like to lose weight, I am committing the cardinal sins of “fat shaming”, “fatphobia,” and “promoting diet culture,” even when I refer exclusively to myself. Worse yet, by doing so, I’m contributing to patriarchy.
Since I am notoriously bad at feminism, I don’t care. My body, my choice. And I’m choosing not to be fat.
In theory, anyway.
My body is currently fighting against me. In the past six years, I have gained forty pounds, mainly around my midsection. And I hate every single one of them.
So, of course, you might be wondering what I have been doing to solve the problem?
Ever since realizing that I was perimenopausal, I have been researching how to lose weight under these new circumstances. Books, articles, blogs, personal trainers’ and/or holistic health coaches’ accounts on social media — you name it, I have probably read it. That’s how I learned that most of what I knew about exercise and nutrition was no longer helpful, because my body now worked differently.
Before I started educating myself on the subject, I had been under the impression that HIIT was the best exercise for weight loss.
It turns out that for women in their forties it’s no longer true.
Research shows that overall, we are much better off with strength training, which builds muscle, prevents osteoporosis, improves sleep, balances blood sugar, and even protects our joints. For perimenopausal and menopausal women who want to lose weight, it’s the best exercise there is.
Which is why, after moving to Cedar Rapids, Iowa, in May 2024, I grudgingly decided to sign up for a gym and to hire a personal trainer.
Personal training wasn’t really in my budget, but I decided to go for it anyway. If I were serious about losing weight and getting my body back, half-assed workouts weren’t going to cut it anymore. I needed to know what I was doing, and that’s not something I could just easily figure out myself.
It’s not that I had never been to a gym before. I used to go on and off in the past years, but my heart wasn’t really in it. I usually just did thirty minutes on an elliptical and some exercises with (miniature) dumbbells that I learned from YouTube. The machines scared me, and so did free weights. To say that my workouts weren’t very substantial is an understatement. And then the pandemic hit, and I didn’t feel comfortable working out in a mask, so I canceled my membership at Planet Fitness, and that was that.
Megan was the first personal trainer I have ever worked with. We started together in November 2024 and lasted until August 2025. That’s when things started to go wrong at my job, and I had a feeling I would be unemployed soon (which turned out to be true).
It was an intense 10 months. Before working with Megan, I had never been very consistent. Any excuse to skip the gym was always welcome. With Megan, I didn’t skip unless I absolutely had to (like, for example, when I had my fibroid removal surgery).
I could only afford two sessions every week, but Megan made sure I got the most out of it. She wouldn’t budge even when I tried to convince her that I was on the brink of death, and could hear angels singing and see my ancestors waving at me through the window.
I still shudder when I remember those Russian twists!
How satisfied I was with the progress, that’s a little more complicated. Megan kept telling me I was getting stronger, and she was right — by August 2025, I was able to lift weights that I couldn’t even dream of in November 2024. I was definitely gaining muscle mass.
But I didn’t lose any weight, and my belly didn’t get any smaller either.
Bummer.
But at least it’s a beginning, I kept telling myself. The most important thing is that I’m getting used to working out regularly.
When I had to let Megan go, I was determined to keep up with my gym routine. I had learned how to use the machines and some of the free weights, and I figured it was enough to tie me over until I could afford to hire Megan back.
But then my life fell apart.
Things at work went from bad to worse. My anxiety was off the charts. I couldn’t sleep at night and as a result, felt like shit in the morning. Then I resigned, and became anxious and depressed. I lost all motivation to go to the gym (or anywhere else, for that matter). And then, when I finally started to snap out of it, I slipped on an icy sidewalk and sprained my knee, which incapacitated me for the rest of the year.
To say that 2025 wasn’t my favorite year is an understatement of the century.
I can only hope 2026 will be less — shitty? As of now, I’m still unemployed, depressed, and fat. I have made it to the gym a couple of times since the beginning of the year, only to get sick with bronchitis, and to be diagnosed with reactive gastropathy and erosive esophagitis shortly after.
But I’m not giving up! I firmly believe my streak of bad luck is only temporary and that I will be back in the gym in no time. And that eventually I will get my body back. Not because I “hate myself”, or “adhere to patriarchal beauty standards”, but because I love my body and don’t see any reason why it shouldn’t look (and feel) its best ♥
How about you? Do you go to the gym, or do you do something else to stay in shape? And how do you motivate yourself to stay on track?