And I don’t blame men for feeling the same, because I’m not a hypocrite.
If you read my blog regularly (as you should), you probably know by now that I’m not afraid to admit publicly that I don’t want to be fat, old, and/or ugly.
Not that I have a choice in this matter! Ever since I became perimenopausal, my body does what it wants, and not in a good way. Since I’m currently broke, I don’t have that many options to fight Nature.
I had to fire my personal trainer because I couldn’t afford her anymore, but I still have my gym membership, so I have been going by myself and doing my best. I have also become much better at remembering to put on sunscreen and keeping up with my skincare routine. (In case you are wondering, E.L.F. is my favorite skincare brand, because it’s cruelty-free, affordable, and works well for my skin type. And no, this is not an affiliate link. I’m too insignificant as a blogger for E.L.F. to give a shit that I mentioned them in my post.) I get my hair cut and colored every three months in a fairly decent salon, and once a month I treat myself to a pedi.
That’s pretty much all I can (barely) afford these days. And I’m trying to be grateful because I’m only too aware that there are many women out there who don’t even have that.
But trust me, if I could get Botox, I would!
Anyway. When I was deciding what to write about this week, I figured since I have already come out as a shallow, vain, superficial, and very politically incorrect individual, I might quite well confess it all.
You see, it’s not just that I care about how I look; I care how other people look—men, specifically, if I am to be romantically involved with them in some way.
I used to think that was normal. I mean, why would I be interested in a guy if I didn’t think he was hot, right?
Wrong.
I first noticed the trend in grad school. My mental health counseling program was supposed to “celebrate diversity”, but was predominantly liberal and progressive, and diversity of thought wasn’t celebrated; in fact, it was actively discouraged. Any class discussion usually turned into a fierce competition in who was the most “woke”. It was where I first learned that men finding women physically attractive was wrong because it was “objectification”.
Modern feminism seems a little unclear on whether it’s okay the other way around – you know, women finding men physically attractive. I will have to get back to you on this one because I have been getting a lot of mixed messages in the past years.
But men don’t get a break.
I have never bought into the idea that we should fight patriarchy by bashing men for actually liking women, so I did a lot of eyerolling in the class.
And my eyes practically rolled out of their sockets when a guy from my Unitarian Universalist church posted on Facebook a long rant about how people (but, of course, mainly men) who were looking for an attractive romantic partner were silly and shallow, because looks didn’t matter at all, and everyone who felt differently was just brainwashed by patriarchal beauty standards. He used himself as a shining example of a male feminist who didn’t care what his wife looked like or how much she weighed, because the only thing that ever mattered to him was her beautiful soul.
Based on the comments, most of the congregation thought his post was uplifting and inspirational.
I didn’t.
All I could think of was dude, way to point out that you think your wife is fat and ugly!
I was also very tempted to comment that no one has ever gotten a hard-on from a beautiful soul, but eventually decided against it. I’m not that kind of person, and also, people from the congregation took turns bringing me food when I was temporarily incapacitated after being in a car accident, despite me not being an official member of the church yet. Their kindness made me want to play nice.
(I was also scared that if I let my true feelings on the subject be known, I wouldn’t have received as much as a cold hot dog should I ever need help again.)
I was reminded of the subject again just this morning while I was drinking coffee and reading Bored Panda, enjoying a listicle about first dates going horribly wrong. One poster shared his experience with a woman from a dating app who was “three times heavier” in person than in her profile picture, and the commenters tore him apart because HOW DARE HE TO CRITICIZE A WOMAN’S BODY!? Not even the fact that she brought two friends to the bar and they all ordered drinks and expected him to pay for them earned him any sympathy.
I felt bad for him. If I were in his shoes, I would have felt the same.
The way I see it is simple: When you want to be my friend, I couldn’t care less what you look like. But when I am looking for a mate, then yes, I do have preferences. I’m sorry if it hurts someone’s feelings, but if I don’t find a guy physically attractive, I don’t give a crap about his beautiful soul. We can be friends, but we can’t be anything more because physical attraction is important to me.
I wouldn’t date a morbidly obese guy.
I wouldn’t date a guy who is shorter than me.
I wouldn’t date a guy with a long beard.
I wouldn’t date a guy who isn’t handsome.
I wouldn’t date a guy with a micro penis.
And that’s not even the whole list.
Why then, pray tell, would I demonize men for having their own preferences? That would be hypocritical.
To each his own.
Choosing inner beauty over physical appearance is certainly okay.
Bashing people who might not feel the same way is not.