Two years ago, I hit the “reset button” too fast, and now I’m stuck in Iowa.
The biggest problem with midlife crisis is that it sometimes makes us do stupid things.
Take, for example, my decision to move from Chicago to Iowa.
When I had an epiphany back in the summer of 2023 that I was stuck in the dreaded work-eat-sleep-repeat cycle and wasn’t following any of my dreams, I panicked.
I got into my head that my life needed a major overhaul to get back on track, and what could be more major than moving to a different state?
Instead of figuring out how to fix whatever wasn’t working right there and then, I was convinced that moving somewhere else and starting over would magically fix it all.
Mind you, moving to Chicago (or, specifically, Oak Park, which is just across the city line) three years prior was supposed to do just the same. I was broken after a major upheaval in my life, so I moved there to be by myself, heal, and get my life in order.
But when it didn’t go exactly as planned, my first thought wasn’t hey, let’s think about what changes I could make for things to get better! Nope. My first thought was hey, let’s get the hell out of here!
Again.
I should have known better.
In my defense, my decision to leave Chicago wasn’t completely irrational. The traffic was out of control. The crime rate was sky high. The property taxes were ridiculous. Life in a small town would be less hectic.
I had plenty of justifications for my decision.
But it turns out that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Just like I once had the highest hopes for my life in Chicago, I had the highest hopes for my life in Iowa: Without Chicago traffic, the commute to and from my job would be a breeze, so I would have plenty of time to write after work. The cost of living would be affordable, so I would soon be able to buy if not a house, then definitely a condo. And because in a less-populated town I wouldn’t be as scared to drive, I would be going places on weekends, visiting cute little towns, and hiking in the woods.
I would finally have a life.
Yeah, right!
Those of you who follow me on Medium already know from my very first story that after a year and three months, my career went up in flames. I have been working in the mental health field for ten years (longer, if you count direct care), and I have never been in trouble with any of my employers — until I came to Iowa. It was a brand-new experience for me, and I hope nothing like it will ever happen again because it sucked.
Especially because it was unfair.
(Of course, you only have my word for it, so you aren’t obligated to believe me. But trust me, it was unfair!)
To add insult to injury, I have discovered in the past couple of months that leaving my job on bad terms makes it very hard for me to find a new one. Apparently, it doesn’t matter that I have had five jobs back in Illinois since graduation, and that all my former supervisors are willing to vouch for me. Prospective employers seem to be interested only in what my most recent employer thinks of me, which, obviously, isn’t great. (The feeling is mutual.)
I have tons of experience not only in counseling, but also in case management, crisis intervention, and direct care. I thought finding a new job would be a breeze.
I was wrong.
And it’s not just my job situation. My life has been nothing but a series of unfortunate events since last fall, which is when things started to go sideways with my former employer.
First, my car got totaled. It was a 2016 Scion iA, in excellent shape, with relatively low mileage, and, as my old car mechanic in Oak Park told me, there was no reason why it shouldn’t run another five years, if not longer.
It was also fully paid off.
But a bunch of kids decided to jaywalk on a busy intersection, I had to slow down so as not to run them over, and a lady, who was speeding and not paying attention, hit me from behind. My Scion iA was no match for her Jeep Wrangler, and so now I have a $500 car note because I was forced to buy a new vehicle.
Because that’s exactly what you need when you resign from your job and are struggling to find a new one!
Then there was the knee injury. At the beginning of December, I decided to start working out again. When I was leaving the gym, I felt that I deserved a treat, so I walked across the frozen parking lot to Starbucks for a caramel macchiato. I slipped, fell, and sprained my knee. The pain was EXCRUCIATING. I ended up in the ER, and that’s how I know that no matter how stressful my life might become in the future, at least I don’t need to worry about becoming a morphine fiend, because apparently, I’m allergic to morphine.
Just yesterday, I had an emotional meltdown in my vet’s office because one of my dogs’ blood liver function tests came back abnormal, and my vet hinted at the possibility of Cushing’s Disease. We don’t know anything for sure yet, but I’m already falling apart because what if something happens to my little buddy!? Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach (and so does thinking about the upcoming vet bills).
When I posted about the vet’s visit on Facebook, my friend Jennifer promptly commented, “Margaret, you need to get out of Iowa!”
I’m not sure how serious she was, but it is starting to feel like the Universe might be trying to tell me something.
My career is in shambles. Most of my local “friends” ghosted me after I left my job. I didn’t get into the Iowa Writers’ Workshop. My dog is ill.
I have been asking myself what exactly is keeping me here? Really, the only reason is that I just re-signed my lease, and breaking it would be expensive as hell. Plus moving expenses and a security deposit for a new place — not ideal for someone who has been out of work for so long!
Also, I don’t want to make the same mistake again. I tried twice to move to escape my problems, only to find out that I brought my problems with me. If there is anything I have learned in the past years, it’s that moving somewhere else doesn’t magically fix everything.
That being said, I don’t think I’m obligated to spend the rest of my life in Iowa either.
I’m thinking every day about what my next step should be.
What do you think — should I stay, or should I go? What would you do if you were in my shoes, and why?