I’m getting tired, no pun intended, of everyone saying how important it is to get enough sleep. Don’t tell ME, tell my brain!
I have struggled with insomnia my entire life.
In early childhood, I was convinced that I didn’t sleep at all. That’s because I shared a room with my brother, and when we went to bed, he fell asleep right away, while I was lying there with my brain in overdrive. I was awake for what felt like eternity, and then, suddenly, it was morning. You can probably see how easy it would be to get confused.
As I got older, I realized I had to be asleep at some point because I remembered my dreams the next day. I also learned at school that going without sleep wasn’t an option, and that if I didn’t sleep, I would die.
But the truth was that getting a good night’s sleep had always been harder for me than for other kids. And unfortunately, it’s something I have never outgrown, and now, when I’m perimenopausal, it’s only getting worse.
There is an old Czech proverb that says “spánek sladší medu”, which, literally translated, means “sleep is sweeter than honey”.
And it is. It really is. I love sleep, and I pray every night to get as much of it as humanly possible. But my brain keeps fighting me on it.
First of all, it doesn’t matter how tired I am; in the minute when my face hits the pillow, I’m wide awake. And then, when I finally do fall asleep, there is no guarantee that I’m going to stay asleep. I’m the lightest sleeper in the history of humankind — somebody sneezes on the other side of town, and it wakes me up. And of course, it goes without saying that once I am up, it takes forever for me to fall back asleep.
Which is why it’s a very good thing that I’m single (and that I intend to stay that way). There is nothing worse than sharing a bed with another human being. I just can’t do it. Not only is it impossible for me to fall asleep while someone is snoring, but I can’t fall asleep even when somebody is breathing.
They always breathe so fucking loud!
After forty-eight years of battling insomnia, I have more or less learned to live with it. Some nights are better than others, and I have met people whose insomnia was much more severe, so I’m usually not complaining.
Or, more accurately, I hadn’t been complaining until I became perimenopausal and my insomnia got worse. I went online to research what I should expect in the future, only to find out that nothing good (neither menopause nor postmenopause is compatible with a good night’s sleep).
Like that’s not bad enough, I have also discovered that not getting enough sleep is likely one of the reasons why I have been gaining all the extra weight.
As always, it all boils down to hormones. Losing both estrogen and progesterone affects sleep — estrogen because it impairs the body’s ability to produce serotonin, and progesterone because it acts like a natural sedative.
And then there is cortisol.
Cortisol is NOT my favorite. The more I’m learning about it, the more I’m convinced that it’s the root of all evil. Every time it comes up, it’s nothing but bad news. When it comes to sleep, having high cortisol levels at night causes insomnia, and insomnia, in turn, causes cortisol to spike even more, leading to a “vicious cycle”.
It’s vicious all right. Not only does it keep us awake at night, so we are always tired, but it also causes the infamous “cortisol belly”, which is what I currently hate the most about my perimenopausal body.
So naturally, the question is, how to get my cortisol and, consequently, my insomnia under control?
I have been stressed a lot recently, which sure as hell isn’t helping. I wish I could just decide not to be, but in my current situation, it’s easier said than done. Not only have I been unemployed and living off my savings since November, but I’m also finding out that because of leaving my last job on bad terms, I’m now essentially unemployable in my Iowa hometown.
I’m reluctant to try traditional sleep medications because of their side effects and because I don’t want to get addicted to them. I have tried some natural remedies in the past without much success. Chamomile + lavender tea made me pee all night (and when you have to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom, you sure as hell ain’t sleeping). Melatonin had no effect whatsoever. Valerian root capsules worked in that sense that I fell asleep faster, but then I woke in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep until my alarm went off.
Just because I prefer natural remedies doesn’t mean that I won’t try any medications when Nature fails me. I’m currently keeping my dirty little secret, hydroxyzine, in my nightstand drawer. It’s the only thing that has ever worked for my anxiety, and the sedative effect is a bonus. The problem is that it’s too sedative; it helps me sleep, but then I wake up the next morning with a hangover, and I am drowsy all day. That’s why I’m saving it for emergencies.
Without doubt, I need better sleep hygiene. I can’t just keep telling myself that not sleeping at night is normal. Radical responsibility, remember!? So far, I have been working on staying away from my phone before bedtime (because blue light is bad), listening to relaxing, healing music, and doing light stretches. We will see.
If you have any other ideas what I should add to my nightly routine, don’t be shy and let me know!